Portland Bill

PORTLAND BILL
Made by: Filmfair
Shown on: ITV
Years shown: 1983, plus repeats

Theme tune: “Oh come with me to the rolling sea/While the weather’s calm and still/And we’ll have some fun and laughter/With the adventures of Portland Bill.”

Switch on the radio early in the morning, and somewhere between the weather and the latest on the FTSE 100, there is the shipping forecast, a seemingly random list of names things that are apparently ‘rising slowly’ or ‘moderate’. Someone obviously liked these arcane names so much that they decided to build up an entire scenario for a children’s story around them. Portland Bill was the head lighthouse keeper at Guillemot Rock, and was assisted in his work by Ross and Cromarty, in their cable-knit jumpers and yellow slickers. For much of the time they were stranded together on the island, but used to go to the nearest mainland village, Mcguillycuddy, for provisions, in Bill’s boat, The Puffin. Provisions could be acquired from Edward Stone’s Emporium, run by Eddie Stone, who was also the village postman, policeman, and any other public figure the place was lacking. Other characters included Finisterre, a crofter on the mainland, Fastnet the fisherman, Grandma Tyree and Mrs Lundy, not to mention Inspector Ronaldsway, the lighthouse inspector, who had a boat called Kipper and could always be appeased/bribed with tea and scones. So as not to miss a fantastic opportunity, there was also a dog called Dogger, who belonged to Bill. There is not much further to say about Bill, except that his catchphrase was “By King Neptune!”, and he enjoyed playing the bagpipes at some considerable volume - probably why he confined to an island with only a cheeky youth (Ross), a 60s enthusiast (Cromarty) and a mutt for company.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 4/10

(Thanks to www.criterionpic.com for the borrowed pic)

Pole Position

POLE POSITION
Made by: ?
Shown on: BBC
Years shown: 1982-86

Apparently based on an Atari motor-racing game, Pole Position boasted one of the essential components of any eighties cartoon - a guitar-driven power-rock theme, which bawled, “Pole Positioonnnnn!” in an admirable imitation of Def Leppard, or at least Don Henley. The wafer-thin plot involved brother and sister, Dan and Tess, whose parents were killed by an evil cabal. They worked for Pole Position, an implausible FBI-like organisation run by their uncle, Dr Zachary Darret. Their job entailed driving cars called Wheels and Roadie, who had minds of their own, and made smart-arse remarks, suspiciously like KITT in Knight Rider. Somewhere in this bizarre world was Darret’s young daughter Daisy, who in turn had an annoying pet monkey called Kuma. It was a primarily a crime-fighting caper and I thought it was great, but following the point of it all was a skill in its own right - and worryingly, I remember thinking that Dan and Tess were boyfriend and girlfriend, so perhaps this point wasn’t made explicit enough.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 4/10

(Thanks to www.80sanimation.com for the borrowed pic)

Pob's Programme

POB'S PROGRAMME
Made by: Ragdoll Productions
Shown on: Channel 4
Years shown: 1985-88

God save us, it’s Pob. This was a creation of Anne Wood, the same woman who ‘blessed’ us with The Teletubbies in 1997, and of course both shows have one thing in common: none of the characters speak properly. This is an old debate between parents, programme-makers and watchdog groups - should kids’ TV characters speak like the children themselves (i.e. an approximation of English, but garbled), or should they speak a real, intelligible language? Whichever way, this was only one annoying aspect of Pob’s Programme. Pob was a cross between Pinocchio, Mr Punch and an alien; he wore a striped pink and yellow knitted jumper, and he had pink hair. Anne Wood dreamed him up while travelling on the London Underground, and seeing a child breathe on the window and write their name in it. Pob went one step further - he spat on the window, which was genuinely quite nasty, and then wrote his name in a laboured way in the resultant ‘flob’. Ugh.

Also playing on the common children’s belief that the characters actually live in the TV set, Pob was supposed to be trapped in the television, and would knock on the screen, which probably freaked out many a child over the years. Pob’s Programme always took place outdoors, often in some woods, and Pob would find great amusement in playing hide-and-seek, and spying on unwitting people. He also used to get his woolly jumper caught in various places, so it would unravel and leave a trail around the place. So, to recap, Pob a) spat b) spat on the TV c) didn’t use the Queen’s English d) hammered on the TV set e) stalked innocent people and f) ruined his clothes, sometimes deliberately - things which any child would find themselves in some serious trouble for. So, ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I rest my case - now do you think Pob was a good role-model?

SQUARE EYES RATING: 1/10

(Thanks to www.classickidstv.co.uk for the borrowed pic)