Jamie and the Magic Torch

JAMIE AND THE MAGIC TORCH
Made by: Cosgrove Hall/Thames TV
Shown on: ITV
Years shown: 1976-9 (and endless repeats)

Theme tune: "Jamie! Jamie!/Jamie and the Magic Torch/Down the helter-skelter, faster and faster/towards Cuckoo Land."

A true legend among children’s cartoons, Jamie was a little boy with a sweeping seventies quiff, and flared pyjamas. Every night his mother (who, eerily, just appeared on the programme as a shadow on his bedroom wall) would tuck Jamie into bed, and thirty seconds later he’d be up and about again. Nothing unusual about that with children, but Jamie was different. Together with his dog, Wordsworth, who wore a night-cap, Jamie would embark on nocturnal adventures thanks to his magic torch; he would beam it onto the floor, and a hole would appear - it led to a helter-skelter, which transported them straight into Cuckooland, via an exit in a tree.

Once in Cuckooland, Wordsworth could talk, although, unfortunately, in a Gloucestershire accent, and all kinds of crazy people would descend on them, clearly inspired by Yellow Submarine. There was Mr Boo, who flew around in a floating submarine, and was obsessed with counting things; similarly afflicted was Gotcha, a policeman who was half unicycle, who ate truncheons as a snack, and was preoccupied by early closing on Wednesdays (yes, I’m getting a headache from this too.) There was also Billy Bundy the Showbusiness Rabbit; Nutmeg the rag-doll, who had a bottomless handbag like Mary Poppins, and subsequently did nothing to help the feminist cause; and the truly bizarre and inappropriately-named Jo-Jo Help, who always arrived in a time of crisis, and then found as many excuses as he could for not helping out. At the end of the episode, the hole in the tree would appear, and it would be time for Jamie to return to his bedroom. Now, whichever way you look at it, Jamie was a little boy who needed help: if these were recurring dreams he was having, he was either taking some serious drugs or needed therapy, and if not, he was evidently having hallucinations brought on by insomnia. That’s what happens when your mum’s just a shadowy spectre.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 6/10

(Thanks to www.jedisparadise.co.uk for the borrowed pic)

James the Cat

JAMES THE CAT
Made by: Grampian Television
Shown on: BBC
Years shown: 1983-4 onwards

Theme tune: "My name's James, James The Cat/I've had fame,
Money, and all that/Now I'm here growing fat/Chasing birds and butterflies/James the cat"

For people who are not cat-lovers, black and white moggy James epitomised all their dislikes about the feline species. He was over-fed, boastful, vain and egotistical, and swanned around his home, the Corner House at number 104, without a care or responsibility in the world. His surroundings were a cross between those of Crystal Tipps & Alastair, and also Henry’s Cat: there was a psychedelic backdrop, but he had a bunch of animal friends along for the ride as well. Considering that this was probably intended to be set in Britain, there was an unusual selection of creatures living in James’ garden. Freda the kangaroo must have escaped from the zoo, and Citroen the frog must have hopped through while they were digging the channel tunnel. Rocky the rabbit and Mrs Lavender the snail were almost to be expected from an English country garden, but then there was a dragon…called Denis (although probably not the subject of the Blondie song.) Whether the dragon was related to Ivor the Engine’s Idris are unsubstantiated rumours, but what I want to know was where James got his fame and money, and what he did in order to lose them both? Maybe he was the Whiskas cat before he put on so much weight....

SQUARE EYES RATING: 3/10


(Thanks to www.80snostalgia.com for the borrowed pic)

Jackanory

JACKANORY
Made by: BBC
Shown on: BBC
Years shown: 1965-96

If you ask most parents who had young children while Jackanory was running - and let’s face it, there are literally generations of them - you will rarely find a critical comment. Jackanory was the kind of programme they felt perfectly safe about leaving their children with; it was educational, featured lots of wholesome, high quality personalities from different spheres of show business, made them feel good about themselves, and it also saved them the job of reading their children an afternoon story.

But let’s face it, Jackanory was dull. Deathly dull. Usually, I had just spent the best part of the day sitting quietly on the mat while a teacher read to me from The Iron Man or Fantastic Mr Fox, and I was also lucky enough to have two parents who read me lots of stories, so I had reached saturation point by 4.30pm. As you may have gathered, Jackanory was simply a lone celebrity reading from a children’s book, usually serialised over five days, and with no gimmicks or extras. It was the perfect showcase for actors who were looking for a bit of low-effort exposure, and there would be absolutely nothing or nobody to upstage them. They were falling over themselves to be featured; stars such as Rik Mayall, Floella Benjamin, Willie Rushton, Dame Judi Dench, Michael Palin, Bernard Cribbins and Kathy Burke. In 1984, Prince Charles turned story-teller, reading his own book, The Old Man of Lochnagar, while dressed in a kilt, on a wild, windy mountainside (all lesser mortals were studio-bound.)

I for one was not impressed, and was surprised that the camera and sound men didn’t fall asleep themselves. I’m all for reading, especially with children, and Jackanory was a worthy idea, but it was hijacked by publicity-hungry celebrities (especially those who couldn’t actually be at home to read to their kids) and suffered from far too much Roald Dahl in latter years.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 3/10

(Thanks to www.televisionheaven.co.uk for the borrowed pic)