Square Eyes: Kids' TV of the 80s/90s

I have an unhealthy obsession with all things nostalgic (though I draw a line at mullets and jackets rolled up at the sleeves.) This, combined with a fondness for the TV of my childhood has driven me to create the Square Eyes blog. Simply an A-Z of the shows I watched, with my inimitable commentaries...

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Scooby Doo


SCOOBY DOO
Made by: Hanna Barbera

Shown on: BBC
Years shown: 1969 onwards
Theme tune:
“Scooby dooby doo, where are you?/We need some help from you now…”

William Hanna and Joseph Barbera are undoubted legends of the television world, and have been prolific programme-makers over an amazing five decades. But let’s not get carried away. There have been the good, admittedly (The Flintstones, Wacky Races), but there was also the bad (Captain Caveman & the Teen Angels, Fonz & the Happy Days Gang), as well as the downright weird (Young Samson & Goliath, Amazing Chan & the Chan Clan.) And to be honest, Scooby-Doo wasn’t the sanest of concepts. Scooby-Doo himself was a giant dog of undetermined breed, who half barked, half talked, and who - despite the theme song - was no help at all. He got his name from the song ‘Strangers in the Night’ by Frank Sinatra, which had the filler line, “doo be doo be doo”. Yes, really.

Scooby travelled around in the Mystery Machine, a brightly painted combi-van, with a bunch of ‘kids’ who were intent on solving paranormal crimes, not for money, but seemingly for the good of their health. The gang’s leader was the square-jawed Fred, with his blond helmet-hair and an orange neckerchief - he was very self-righteous and patronising, and was clearly up to no good with the glamorous redhead, Daphne (he was always concocting situations where the gang would have to split up, and he and Daphne would go one way…) The brains of the operation was Velma, the nerdy librarian type, who wore glasses and a cosy polo-neck, and it was she who always got to the bottom of the mystery. Lastly, there was Shaggy, who was intended by the animators to be a hippy, but just looked more like a badly-dressed college drop-out (often the same thing, I suppose); he was a complete coward, and would be sent off with Scooby to check out the darkest alleys and the spookiest attics. Shaggy was voiced by American DJ, Casey Kasem, and had a number of trademark phrases, such as “Zoinks!” and “Scoob, old buddy, old friend, old pal” - and was frankly very annoying.

The plot to Scooby Doo (the series had a number of titles, including the original Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?, New Scooby-Doo Movies, Scooby’s All Stars) was the same every episode: there would be some kind of apparent haunting, but it would always turn out to have a rational explanation, and the culprit would be the only other person the gang had met. They would unmask a ghost to reveal Old Man Withers, or Mr Johnson from the Museum, who would then shake their fist and complain that they “would have got away with it, if it hadn’t been for those meddling kids.” Quite.

Then, in 1979, a real monster was born, and its name was Scrappy-Doo. Scooby and Scrappy-Doo was the same, tired formula, plus the added annoyance of Scooby’s pugnacious nephew, Scrappy, who, unlike his uncle, could talk and ‘wise-crack’. He got into more fights than Mike Tyson, and would have to be held back from doing something inadvisable every two minutes ( “Puppy Power!” he would cry, before charging into the fray) - if only someone had let him get mashed to a pulp.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 3/10

(Thanks to www.konsolen.net for the borrowed pic)




Sesame Street


SESAME STREET
Made by: PBS/The Children's Television Workshop

Shown on: Channel 4

Years shown: 1969 - present day

Theme tune:
“Sunny day, chasing the clouds away/Find my way to where the air is sweet/Can you tell me how to get/How to get to Sesame Street?”

Like all great long-running children’s TV series, Sesame Street courted its fair share of controversy, which over thirty years later, seems hard to believe. What could be contentious about a programme which teaches you to share, tolerate others, and correctly identify the letters of the alphabet? Sesame Street broke the mould because it was set in a slightly run-down Brooklyn neighbourhood, a place where real people were supposed to live, a place that they hoped the pre-school viewers would identify with. There were trash-cans lying around, washing was hung out to dry, and the people who lived in the neighbourhood were both multi-cultural and mainly working class.

But in other ways, Sesame Street probably wasn’t typical of American neighbourhoods - the inhabitants, for one, were somewhat ‘colourful’. Everyone knows that Sesame Street was the forerunner of The Muppet Show, and it was here that Jim Henson really cut his puppeteering teeth, with some of his most memorable and best-loved creations.

Most famous of all has to be Big Bird, the enormous yellow creature who was half canary, half ostrich, and who was intended as the voice of the viewing child, i.e. he was a bit dense, and needed everything spelled out for him in short sentences and with visual aids. His best friend was the woolly-mammoth-like Snuffleupagus, also intellectually-challenged, who was a couple of poor blokes doing a pantomime-horse routine.

Everyone’s favourite single-sex couple were Bert and Ernie, an Odd Couple for the kindergarten generation. Bert had a head shaped like a banana, and a prominent mono-brow, and he was the tetchy, uptight one; his room-mate Ernie wore a stripy sweater and liked his rubber ducky. He was simple but not stupid, and liked to indulge in the occasional prank on his long-suffering friend.

If Bert and Ernie’s function was to educate about the mechanics of friendships, the Two-Headed Monster surely taught us all we needed to know about co-operation and compromise (and conjoined twins?). The two halves could live harmoniously most of the time, but would often hit a brick wall when they wanted to go and do different things in different directions. Didn’t happen as often as you might expect.

One of the show’s legends was the fabulous Cookie Monster, a blue, goggle-eyed harmless maniac, obsessed with consuming large quantities of his favourite snack. He didn’t have much to say for himself, except, “Cookie! Cookie!” - unless he was presenting the ingenious Monster-Piece Theater, in the guise of Alastair Cookie-Monster.

Grover was a little more articulate; he was blue, and bandy-limbed, and he would talk to children about different issues, which would usually culminate with them all hugging him. Which was odd, as he was pretty annoying. Another somewhat grating character was Telly Monster, red with an orange nose, who was there to let children know that it was okay to be anxious about life - except that in Telly’s case, it was a real debilitating condition, seeing as he was wary of almost every commonplace object or occurrence.

One of the street’s residents was the perennially bad-tempered Oscar the Grouch. He lived in a trash-can, from which he emerged to berate people or tell them to leave him alone. Oscar was not in touch with his sensitive side. Eventually, he was joined by Maria, his female equivalent; they were obviously crazy about each other, but would never admit it.

Lest we forget, there was also Count von Count, a Dracula-alike, who was obsessed with counting everything in his sight. His counting was always punctuated with cackling laughter and the crash of thunder and lightning, but rarely did he celebrate by exsanguinating the kids in the studio.

Adding to the mayhem was slick game-show host, Guy Smiley; the cutesy and wildly popular midget-monster Elmo; piano-playing swot, Prairie Dawn; Gladys the Cow; The Amazing Mumford; and of course, Kermit the Frog, who began his career as a Sesame Street journalist, reporting on such ground-breaking events as Rapunzel letting down her hair, and Humpty Dumpty falling off the wall.

The Muppet population was counter-balanced by a selection of human neighbours, all honest, well-meaning folk, and no muggers, gang-bangers or any other unsavoury characters you might be likely to meet in downstate New York. There was fatherly Bob (Bob McGrath), Linda (Linda Bove), who was deaf and gave us the chance to learn American Sign Language (useless to Brits, obviously), David (Northern Calloway), Carlo (Carlo Alban), Susan (Loretta Long), and Gordon (Matt Robinson, then Hall Miller, and finally Roscoe Orman.) But I think everyone remembers the Hispanic sweethearts, Luis and Maria (Emilio Delgado and Sonia Manzano), who ran a repair shop, taught us all some valuable Spanish, and then had a baby - cue lots of potentially difficult questions about the facts of life from all the street’s monsters. Finally, there was old Mr Hooper who ran the news-stand; and when actor Will Lee snuffed it unexpectedly, the programme used this opportunity to teach Elmo about the grief of losing a loved one. Like The Muppet Show, Sesame Street also had its fair share of celebrity guests dropping in, including Hilary Rodham Clinton, Little Richard, and pretty much everyone in between.

In between studio sequences, there were loads of educational-slash-fun segments. There were a number of psychedelic animations to make counting and the alphabet palatable, the most celebrated of which must be that weird pinball sequence, which was on virtually every show, with the funked-up tune: “Onetwothreefourfive, sixseveneightnineten, eleventwelveeeee…” There was also one about a woman who carried a fruit basket around on her head, and a rabbit superhero, who zoomed in, crooning, “It is I, Captain Vegetable, with my carrot and my celery!”, which still didn’t make me order salads.

The part which everyone used as a toilet break was the five minute slot where we’d see what life was like for children in different parts of America/the world. Cue children skating to school in the Yukon, working in a Nike factory in India, or living in a high-rise apartment in New York. They were a bit dull, to be honest, especially if you lived in suburban Britain.

We were also frequently invited to observe that “One of these kids is doing his own thing…” or “One of these things is not like the others”, and take a wild stab at which one was the odd one out. In my opinion this was a wasted opportunity - they never had three kids skating into old ladies and one smoking a cigarette.

The songs, though, were the stuff of genius. Some of them had dubious educational value (anything sung by Ernie about his rubber ducky, or Cookie Monster’s ‘Me Lost Me Cookie at the Disco’), but then there was the inspired ‘Letter B’ to the tune of The Beatles’ ‘Let it Be’, and ‘Born to Add’ in place of Bruce Springsteen’s ‘Born to Run.’

There have been over 3000 episodes of Sesame Street, and special mention should be made of the tireless vocal artists, including Jerry Nelson, Frank Oz (Bert, Cookie, Grover, Harvey Kneeslapper, among others), and, of course, the late Jim Henson, who gave life to Ernie, Guy Smiley and Kermit. This review was brought to you today by the letters G, R and by the number 8, but is not - much as I would like it to be - a production of the Children’s Television Workshop.

SQUARE EYES RATING:10/10

(Thanks to wikipedia for the borrowed pic)

Saved by the Bell


SAVED BY THE BELL
Made by: NBC

Shown on: Channel 4

Years shown: 1988-2000

Theme tune:
"When I wake up the morning, the alarm gives out a warning/And I know I’ll never make it on time/By the time I grab my books and give myself a look/I’m at the corner just in time to see the bus drive by/It’s all right, cos I’m saved by the bell/…When the teacher pops a test, I know I’m in a mess/And my dog ate all my homework last night/Riding low in my chair, she won’t know that I’m there/If I can hand it in tomorrow, it’ll be all right/It’s all right, cos I’m saved by the bell."

Sweet mother of God, how did Saved by the Bell make it in here? Well, unfortunately, it started early enough to constitute a mention, and somehow lasted for over a decade. But did you know that the programme was originally a Disney comedy called Good Morning, Miss Bliss, which starred Hayley Mills as a teacher at John F Kennedy High School? When the series was dropped after one season NBC picked it up, changed the name, sacked Hayley Mills and hung on to a few of the kids.

Anyway, this teenage comedy series in its best-known incarnation was set at the fictional Bayside High School on the American west coast, a squeaky clean place with no guns, drugs or violence. There was no graffiti on the lockers, no security guards on the front doors, and no smoking dope in the long-jump pit. The hero was the street-wise joker Zack Morris (Mark-Paul Gosselaar), with highlighted blond hair; he was, presumably sarcastically, nicknamed Preppy by his buddies, who included Slater and Screech. Albert Clifford ‘AC’ Slater (Mario Lopez) was an army brat and the school wrestling champion; with his long, curly hair and tiny vests, which showed off his unnaturally (for a 15 year old) built-up chest, he looked like a porn star in the making. The third amigo was Samuel ‘Screech’ Powers (Dustin Diamond), a curly-haired first-degree geek, who didn’t have a clue about anything, but existed primarily so he could fail and make even Zack look proficient at school. There were a gang of girls, the objects of the boys’ affections, including Zack’s on-off girlfriend, Kelly Kapowski (Tiffani-Amber Thiessen), the red-headed cheer-leading captain. She was friends with Lisa Marie Turtle (Lark Voorhies - what a name!), an ultra-rich black princess, and lanky good-girl, Jessie Spano (Elizabeth Berkley.) Rather ironically, Jessie was a radical feminist, or at least fancied herself as such, but Berkley would go on to star in the Paul Verhoeven sleaze-fest, Showgirls.

Anyway, the gang were constantly riling the Bayside principal, the incompetent and moronic Richard Belding (Dennis Haskins), and getting into all kinds of scrapes which always ended neatly, with a suitable moral or ‘hilarious’ set-piece, inevitably involving Screech. One of the most irritating things about Saved by the Bell was the live studio audience, who were obviously responding to idiot-boards, which directed them to gasp if any character did something morally ambiguous, and “woooo!” if one of the boys, usually Zack, got a bit of ‘action’. We might have been yelling for them to stop the torture, or at least willing the kids to graduate as soon as possible, but there was to be no natural end to Saved by the Bell. As the kids moved on to college, so did the series. Saved by the Bell: The College Years, joined Zack, Slater, Screech and Kelly at the laid-back California university they all attended where the story-lines were just upgraded slightly to accommodate the change of scene. One amusing thing was that Mark-Paul Gosselaar had obviously decided to try and rival Mario Lopez in the muscles stakes, but his attempts at body-building just made him look fat - so the programme makers took away his gym membership. The end of Zack’s story came when he married Kelly in a Las Vegas special - but we all knew it wouldn’t last, considering he was still the same work-shy he was in his freshman year at high school.

Dustin Diamond took his parents to court, claiming that they stole from his earnings while he was a minor, which is perhaps why he felt it necessary to appear in Saved by the Bell: The New Class. Oh yes, back we went to Bayside High, where Principal Belding had hired Screech as his administrative assistant, and was contending with a new set of polished, teenage irritants. To ensure minimal effort on the writers’ part, the story-lines were diligently recycled, and the new kids were personality clones of Zack and his friends, representing the very worst that American TV has to offer us.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 2/10

(Thanks to wikipedia for the borrowed pic)