The broom cupboard

THE BROOM CUPBOARD
Made by: BBC
Shown on: BBC1 & BBC2
Years shown: 1985-1994

Not strictly a programme, the ‘broom cupboard’ was the bit between the programmes on Children’s BBC, where the presenter would show viewers’ birthday cards and drawings of Dogtanian or He-Man, and try to be humorous.

First up was Philip Schofield, famous for going grey at 16, who presented the slot with squeaky glove-puppet, Gordon the Gopher, who was far more popular than he was. ‘Pip’ was obsessed by the words to the Mysterious Cities of Gold theme, and made it his personal quest to get Petula Clark’s ‘Downtown’ back to the top of the charts. Schofield went on to Going Live (and a career in the daytime TV doldrums), and was replaced by plain Andy Crane, who was buddies with the more annoying Edd the Duck glove puppet. He also thought it was a good idea to introduce a ‘comedy’ broom, and also a silent butler, called Wilson, whose gloved hand was the only part of him we saw. Crane disappeared into obscurity via defection to ‘the other side’, but he was immortalised in the crap charity song, ‘John Kettley (Is a Weatherman)’ by Tribe of Toffs, which, fact fans, got to number 5 in December 1988 (the line, incidentally, was “Andy Crane’s lost his brain”. Insightful.)

Managing even to outdo Andy Crane in the mediocre stakes was Simon Parkin, a youthful ginge, who never really had a chance. He was succeeded by Radio Topshop DJ, Andi Peters, who was only eighteen when crowned king of the cupboard; and then of course went on to be everywhere and take over television and be mates with Gary Barlow. The broom cupboard was phased out with the dawn of the nineties, and replaced by a massive colourful studio populated by Philippa ‘Now serious TV presenter’ Forrester, the rather camp Toby Anstis, and legions of androgynous, grinning post-adolescents. Bring back that broom!

SQUARE EYES RATING: 7/10

(Thanks to www.the-broom-cupboard.co.uk for the borrowed pic)

Bric-a-Brac

BRIC-A-BRAC
Made by: See-saw
Shown on: BBC
Years shown: early 80s

Brian Cant, veteran of Playschool and Play Away, played a junk-shop owner who, every week, would have to file a new object under the correct letter in the alphabet. And that was about it. There was a song, inevitably, and the formula was later ripped off by the lost property office of the Why Bird Stop on Playdays. This was one that I tolerated because my mum liked it and was quite keen on Brian Cant (see above for his dishy pic...!)

SQUARE EYES RATING: 3/10

(Thanks to the BBC's Comedy website for the borrowed pic)

Bod

BOD
Made by: Michael Cole
Shown on: BBC (?)
Years shown: 1975-early eighties

History has thrown up many great philosophical questions, but none is as puzzling as this one: what the hell was Bod? I know everyone debates this, but it is a legitimate question. You wanted to believe he was human, but he was ageless (he looked like a child and seemed to have no obvious profession, but lived alone), totally bald, and wore a yellow dress. He inhabited a world devoid of landscape, and every week he would have ‘adventures’ with the same old friends, Aunt Flo, Farmer Barleymow, PC Copper and Frank the Postman. We were lulled into a false sense of security by the suave tones of narrator, John Le Mesurier, and the jolly tunes provided by Derek Griffiths; Frank’s theme was the funkiest, while Flo’s reflected her authoritarian temperament. Cunning.

Bod’s capers were usually surreal in the extreme, including an episode where a giant strawberry landed on his head; and his friends seemed to be able to abandon their day-jobs in order to join in the madness. Bod is a true children’s gem, borne of a marvellously unbalanced mind, which does nothing more than spread a bit of harmless happiness.

Then, of course, there was Alberto the Frog and his Amazing Animal Band, which used to be shown after the main feature. Firstly, the band was not amazing, but they were suckers: every episode, Alberto and co. would complete a good deed for someone, but Alberto took all the credit for none of the work. He was also a most unusual mercenary, demanding a different flavoured milkshake from every poor person he had helped out, and, of course, not offering any of it to the hard-working Animals. A hero for the eighties if ever there was one.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 9/10

(Thanks to www.thechestnut.com for the borrowed pic)