FAX

Fax!
Made by: ?
Shown on: BBC
Years shown: 1984-5

When my teacher decided to teach us the use of tally charts by asking us to name our favourite children’s TV shows from a list, Fax! came at the very bottom. Okay, so maybe we were a bit young for it (it was shown in the post-5.30pm wilderness spot, before Neighbours arrived on British screens and saved the day), but it did seem to have the dullest format ever. A panel of ‘experts’ made up of Bill Oddie, Billy Butler, Wendy Livesy and Debbie Rix would perch on aluminium stools in a black, featureless studio, and answer questions sent in by viewers, such as ‘What is the world’s fastest land mammal?”, “How can you put a ship in a bottle?” and “When will the first episode of Neighbours be broadcast, please?”

The panel always seemed a bit smug and teacher-ish, which is the last thing you want after a full day of smug teachers, but the BBC would insist on trying to sneak education into children’s lives after the bell at 3.30pm. Although I can’t remember this personally, the show apparently reduced John Noakes to tears when he came to talk about departed Blue Peter dog, Shep.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 1/10

(Fax! is obviously too mediocre for anyone to still have photographic evidence of it - instead, the pic above is of presenter Debbie Rix in her BBC News mode.)

Fast Forward

FAST FORWARD
Made by: ?
Shown on: BBC1
Years shown: 1984-5

Entirely unconnected with the BBC pre-teen magazine of the same name, this Fast Forward was songs, jokes and sketches for the very young. It starred Miss Play School herself, Floella Benjamin, along with Kate Copstick (see Wiz), Nick Wilton, Joanna Munro, Andrew Secombe, and Robert Harley…oh, and a giant pet of some sort, which was never around, but whose presence was acknowledged by its giant, empty bowl. The songs were the most memorable aspect of the show, including one sung by badly-animated baby birds, which went “Mama, mama, fill-a my beak/ Cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep-a-cheep”. Another one worth mentioning was sung by Floella and one of the blokes dressed up like some sort of old scientist, where the exchange went: “Where’s your bag, dad?”/”My bag?”/”You left your bag, dad, in Baghdad.” Brilliant. But not an advisable thing to do during a Gulf War.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 2/10

(Thanks to www.tvradiobits.co.uk for the borrowed pics)

The Family Ness

THE FAMILY NESS Made by: Peter Maddocks Shown on: BBC 1 and BBC2 Years shown: mid 80s onwards

Theme tune:“MacToot blows on his bagpipes/While Elspeth and Angus watch those notes go floating across the waves/Ferocious Ness appears at once, and grabs a note or two for lunch/And the whole of the Family Ness is not too far behind/Sporty Ness leaps over him, turns upside down and dives back in/And the beautiful Lovely Ness shows she’s the kissing kind/Pirate Ness comes up for air, and taking notes without a care/He turns with a crash, and a bash and a smash/Of the Family Ness!”

and …“You can knock it, you can rock it, you can go to Timbuktu/But you’ll never find a Nessie in the zoo/You may see an anaconda, a giraffe or kangaroo/But you’ll never see a Nessie in the zoo.”

From the pen of Peter Maddocks (see Jimbo and the Jet Set, Penny Crayon) came a very daft idea with a very Scottish theme. One day, Elspeth and Angus, the children of Mr MacToot, came across a monster called Silly Ness, entangled in some kind of jape that backfired. As a reward for coming to his aid, and because they didn’t go straight to The Sun, they were introduced to the rest of Loch Ness’ monster population, and were given special Thistle Whistles, so they could summon the monsters whenever they needed them. They had got on in life perfectly well without the help of some plesiosaurs who stayed too long at the party, but of course, that would make very poor cartoon entertainment.

The Nessie family was immense, and each character had a less than subtle name: Ferocious Ness, Sporty Ness, Lovely Ness, Careful Ness, Mighty Ness and Heavy Ness (twins, I think), Eager Ness, Clever Ness, Baby Ness, Her Royal High Ness, Speedy Ness, Forgetful Ness and, just to throw you, Pirate Ness. There was also Sporran, Elspeth and Angus’s highly intelligent dog, the town mayor, the blustering and sceptical policeman and his snot-nosed son, and Mrs McToffee, who owned the local sweet shop. Together with men in kilts, silly tam-o’-shanters, broad Inverness accents, whisky, salmon and shortbread, The Family Ness was the perfect advertisement for the Scottish Tourist Board.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 5/10