The Care Bears

THE CARE BEARS
Made by: D.I.C.
Shown on: ITV
Years shown: 1985

Scraping the bottle of the barrel, this thinly-plotted cheapo cartoon was based around a massive collection of soft-toy bears. Each one was a different colour, and each had a different symbol on their tummy; there was Love-a-lot Bear, with a heart, Good Luck Bear, with a four-leaf clover, Bedtime Bear with a night cap. Also cropping up were Tenderheart Bear and Friendship Bear, but what their symbols were I neither remember or care, plus Cheer Bear, Funshine Bear, Grumpy Bear, Wish Bear and the elusive Secret Bear. They were all residents of Care-a-Lot, a magical land above the clouds, and they spent their days ‘caring’ for people and getting up to all kinds of cheesy mischief. They would descend to earth like some kind of bad dream, in the Cloudmobile, to dispense hugs and smiles , and could frighten even the stoniest villain into being happy with a specialised ‘Care Bear stare’. I think my recurring nightmares might start again.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 1/10

Captain Pugwash

CAPTAIN PUGWASH
Made by: John Ryan
Shown on: BBC, ITV
Years shown: 1957-1998

Created by John Ryan for Eagle magazine in 1950, Captain Pugwash made it to our screens via an eight year comic-strip stint in the Radio Times. With vocal duties by Bernard Cribbins, and up-tempo sea shanty, ‘The Hornblower’, for its theme music, Captain Pugwash was the adventures of the titular second-rate pirate and his crew of The Black Pig.

Portly Horatio Pugwash was possibly the worst pirate let loose on the seven seas - he was not vicious, conniving or bloodthirsty. Instead, he was bungling, cowardly and usually succeeded only by happy accident. He was joined on board by Barnabas, Willy, and Master Mate, but the brains of the organisation was Tom the Cabin Boy, a blond, tousle-haired goody-goody in cut-off trousers, who always managed to get his Cap’n out of trouble. Pugwash’s nemesis was Cut-throat Jake, the dirty, dastardly captain of The Flying Dustman, who always got his comeuppance in the end.

And now to clear something up: there were no rude names in Captain Pugwash. Not one. It was just a vicious rumour that there was a Seaman Staines and a Master Bate - a Master Mate, but not a Master Bate. Glad that’s clear now….And there was no Roger the Cabin Boy either, sicko.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 7/10

(Thanks to the Random House website for the borrowed pic)

Captain Planet

CAPTAIN PLANET
Made by: TBS
Shown on: ITV
Years shown: 1990-96
Theme tune: “Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! Go Planet!/ By you powers combined, I am Captain Planet!….
“Captain Planet, he’s our hero/Gonna take pollution down to zero/He’s our powers magnified/And he’s fighting on the planet’s side!”

This Saturday morning cartoon went in for strong environmental moralising, which most kids probably ignored in favour of the outlandish bad guys. The concept was a bit complex and maudlin. Gaia was the beautiful spirit of the earth, whose health was adversely affected by human beings’ wanton destruction of the earth’s natural resources. She summoned five young people from around the world to her home on Hope Island, to help her in her struggle. She gave them each a ring with their individual symbol, and when the kids combined their special powers they created Captain Planet, a flying superhero with blue skin, and a green, flat-top mullet. The Planeteers lined up like this:

Kwame - Voiced by Star Trek: The Next Generation’s Levar Burton, African Kwame was a conservationist and the team’s leader. He could grow absolutely anything (why he didn’t solve the famines on his continent, I’m not sure), and his ‘element’ was Earth - using his special ring, he could cause small earthquakes, move rocks, and turn mud to solid ground.

Wheeler - The obligatory all-American of the troupe, ginger Wheeler liked fast cars and was a new-comer to environmental issues (surely Gaia could have done better than this in her choice?) Instead, he preferred to pursue ice-queen Linka. Matching his hair, his power was Fire, which he could ignite, along with the creation of lightning bolts.

Linka – Blonde, East European beauty Linka was the scientist of the crew, analytical and into computers. Despite giving Wheeler the cold-shoulder, she had a hot temper. She was ‘in charge’ of Wind, which, you’ve guessed it, allowed her to create anything from a mild gust to a major tornado.

Gi - Cutesy, gutsy Gi was an Asian marine biology student, who was into surfing and rock ‘n’ roll. With the power of Water at her fingertips, she masterminded spouts and tidal-waves.

Ma-Ti - The youngest member, Ma-Ti was raised by a Kayapo Indian shaman in South America. This meant he had hidden knowledge of the healing powers of nature, or some such humbug. A junior Dr Dolittle, he could communicate with the animals, including his irritating monkey, Suchi. His contribution was Heart, which meant he could talk to the others, and Gaia, telepathically - which could, feasibly, be a nuisance after a while.

Of course, there were those who were not so dedicated to preserving Mother Nature, the self-explanatory ‘baddies’ Dr Blight, Hoggish Greedly, Duke Nukem (moonlighting from computer games, it seems), Looten Plunder, Verminars Skumm, Sly Sludge, and Zumm.

Captain Planet might have been earnest and heavy-handed in the ‘message’ department, but it wasn’t too high-brow to throw in a rap or two. Check this out: “We’re the Planeteers, you can be one too/Cos saving our planet is the thing to do!”

SQUARE EYES RATING: 6/10

(Thanks to www.classickidstv.co.uk)