The Mysterious Cities of Gold

THE MYSTERIOUS CITIES OF GOLD
Made by: BRB International
Shown on: BBC1
Years shown: mid 80s

Theme tune: “Children of the sun, someday soon you’re gonna see/That your destiny holds the secret, holds the key…”

If you thought Tolstoy indulged in complex and sprawling sagas, here was a children’s cartoon which came a close second. The Mysterious Cities of Gold spanned an incredible 39 episodes, as it followed the exploits of young Esteban, an explorer’s son, on his travels through South America in search of his father. Esteban was known as a Child of the Sun, which meant that he was able to exercise some power and control over the fiery orb. He met Zia, a young Inca girl who was also looking for her dad, and they discovered that they both own similar necklaces - in fact, the necklaces were two halves of a whole, and when fitted together they formed the key to Eldorado, the lost Cities of Gold. Along for the ride with them was Tau, a boy who was also descended from Inca people, and his parrot, whose chief purpose was to provide comic relief.

Of course, where there’s gold, there are gold-diggers, namely the Spanish explorers, who Esteban was travelling with. Mendoza is Esteban’s kindly guardian, but there were those who are not so honourable - Commander Gomez, Gaspard, and his two brain-dead henchmen, Sancho (not Panza) and Pedro.

The Mysterious Cities of Gold, with its poor-quality English dubbing, was a big hit when shown on Children’s BBC, proving that children do in fact have good attention spans, but are simply choosy about what they use it on. The episodes were genuinely engaging, and I could never wait for the next one - I was absolutely desperate for them to find the gold. Philip Schofield was so taken by it that he had lyric-sheets printed up so children could write in for them and sing along to the theme at home. I didn’t go so far as to write in for one, I’m sorry to say.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 9/10

(Thanks to www.retrojunk.com for the borrowed pic)

The Muppets

THE MUPPETS
Made by: Jim Henson Productions/ATV
Shown on: ?
Years shown: 1976-9, plus repeats

Theme tune: “It’s time to put on music, it’s time to light the lights/It’s time to get things started on The Muppet Show tonight!”

His creations on Sesame Street had been educating the pre-school American masses for seven whole years, before puppet-maestro Jim Henson unleashed The Muppets on a prime-time audience, to enormous critical and popular acclaim. The basic premise was a group of characters trying to put together a weekly theatre show, with the usual pressure of time, problems with temperamental divas, and comedians who fail to be funny - except that these characters were all puppets, of course. Still, The Muppets provided us with perhaps one of the greatest ensemble casts of all time. It was clever, it was subversive, but mainly it was just unabashed entertainment.

Kermit the Frog was the show’s perennially harassed producer and emcee, constantly trying to fend off the amorous attentions of Miss Piggy, the self-obsessed diva who was also the show’s main star. Miss Piggy, in turn, was relentlessly pursued by Gonzo, a blue, hook-nosed weirdo with a vast range of bizarre stage acts, including eating rubber tyres. Also causing headaches for Kermit was Fozzie Bear, a really crap stand-up comedian, with an endless line in lame puns, and the immortal trademark laugh, “Wocka, wocka, wocka!”

The show also featured a couple of long-running ‘drama’ series. Piano-playing dog Rowlf starred in the soap Animal Hospital (with not a Rowlf Harris in sight, heh heh), but the big draw was Pigs in Space, an inspired Star Trek ‘homage’. The Swinetrek was captained by the egomaniacal Link Hogthrob, with Dr Julius T. Strangepork as his Spok-like sidekick, and Miss Piggy as the swooning love-interest. Inevitably, a battle of the egos ensued.

Music on the night was provided by the multifarious members of Dr Teeth and The Electric Mayhem: Teeth himself played a funky piano, with Floyd Pepper on bass guitar, Zoot on the saxophone, Janice on lead guitar duties, and, doing his best Keith Moon impersonation, was the insuppressible drummer, Animal, a living embodiment of rock ‘n’ roll.

There was a cookery slot with the incomprehensible Swedish Chef, who was essentially a one-gag act (i.e. laughing at unintelligible foreigners); and over in the science corner was Dr Bunsen Honeydew (memorable for having glasses, but no eyes), and his fraught victim of an assistant, Beaker. Explosions and trips to the ER were routine.

Another brilliant addition was Sam the Eagle, a patriot of the highest order, who was very easily offended, and whose catch-phrase was, “Stop doing that, it’s un-American!” He was a great play on television censorship, and tried to patrol everyone’s behaviour, to little effect. Then there were the unforgettable Statler and Waldorf, the two cantankerous old men sitting in the balcony, heckling the show, who were like a Vaudeville act on their own.

The Muppet Show was absolutely crammed with characters, and even the small ones were perfectly formed. There was Rizzo the Rat; Kermit’s nephew Robin (who had a top ten hit in May 1977 with the tear-jerker ‘Halfway Down the Stairs’); security guard and food-obsessive, Bobo the Bear; Miss Piggy’s nephews, Andy and Randy; Scooter, the much put-upon gofer for the show; the intentionally over-cute Bean Bunny; Johnny Fiamma and Sal, a smooth Frank Sinatra-esque crooner, with his bodyguard monkey; Seymour and Pepe (loosely an elephant and a rooster), the bellhops who were desperate to break into showbiz; and, finally, Sweetums, a gigantic hairy beast who lolloped around in an ungainly manner, and took care of Robin.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 9/10

(Thanks to www.thegreatcurve.net for the borrowed pic)

Muppet Babies

MUPPET BABIES
Made by: Jim Henson Productions
Shown on: BBC1
Years shown: lates 80s-mid 90s

Theme tune: “Muppet babies, will do anything for you/Muppet babies will make your dreams come true…I like adventure! (Kermit)/I like romance! (Piggy)/I love great jokes! (Fozzie)/Animal dance! (Animal)/I’ve got my computer! (Scooter)/I swing through the air! (Skeeter)/I play the piano! (Rowlf)/And I’ve got blue hair - Wa! (Gonzo)/Me, I invent things (Bunsen)/Meep meep meep meeeep!! (Beaker)/Is everyone all right in here? (Nanny)/YES, NANNY! (all)…”

Very few people who consider themselves to be television connoisseurs would debate that The Muppets was a creation of comic brilliance, and since then, only The Simpsons can really challenge it for across-the-board appeal, and consistently ingenious creations. But, considering its critical success, who on earth allowed this to be commissioned? The Muppet Babies was a cartoon which followed the small-scale adventures of all the regular Muppets’ characters, when they were infants living in a nursery together. It had an maddeningly catchy theme (see above; but you cannot possibly appreciate the effect it had unless you actually hear the original), and was drippy and insipid in the extreme. A junior Kermit the Frog, dressed in a sailor suit, would lead his pals into all kinds of crazy capers, which would always turn out to be the products of the kids’ vivid imaginations, having all taken place on a much smaller scale in their nursery. Piggy was, of course, in love with poor Kermit; Fozzie was a bad comedian-in-training; Animal was crazed and incomprehensible; precocious Scooter was surfing the information super-highway; Skeeter was putting some early stunt-training to the test; Rowlf the dog was becoming a piano virtuoso; Gonzo’s love for Piggy was unrequited and unwanted; Bunsen was diligently inventing things with his alarmingly elaborate chemistry set; and Beaker? Well, Beaker was always anxious, and probably with good reason: the Nanny who looked after them all seemed to consist only of a pair of legs with the hem of a skirt.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 3/10

(Thanks to www.clivebanks.co.uk for the borrowed pic)