Portland Bill

PORTLAND BILL
Made by: Filmfair
Shown on: ITV
Years shown: 1983, plus repeats

Theme tune: “Oh come with me to the rolling sea/While the weather’s calm and still/And we’ll have some fun and laughter/With the adventures of Portland Bill.”

Switch on the radio early in the morning, and somewhere between the weather and the latest on the FTSE 100, there is the shipping forecast, a seemingly random list of names things that are apparently ‘rising slowly’ or ‘moderate’. Someone obviously liked these arcane names so much that they decided to build up an entire scenario for a children’s story around them. Portland Bill was the head lighthouse keeper at Guillemot Rock, and was assisted in his work by Ross and Cromarty, in their cable-knit jumpers and yellow slickers. For much of the time they were stranded together on the island, but used to go to the nearest mainland village, Mcguillycuddy, for provisions, in Bill’s boat, The Puffin. Provisions could be acquired from Edward Stone’s Emporium, run by Eddie Stone, who was also the village postman, policeman, and any other public figure the place was lacking. Other characters included Finisterre, a crofter on the mainland, Fastnet the fisherman, Grandma Tyree and Mrs Lundy, not to mention Inspector Ronaldsway, the lighthouse inspector, who had a boat called Kipper and could always be appeased/bribed with tea and scones. So as not to miss a fantastic opportunity, there was also a dog called Dogger, who belonged to Bill. There is not much further to say about Bill, except that his catchphrase was “By King Neptune!”, and he enjoyed playing the bagpipes at some considerable volume - probably why he confined to an island with only a cheeky youth (Ross), a 60s enthusiast (Cromarty) and a mutt for company.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 4/10

(Thanks to www.criterionpic.com for the borrowed pic)