The Family Ness

THE FAMILY NESS Made by: Peter Maddocks Shown on: BBC 1 and BBC2 Years shown: mid 80s onwards

Theme tune:“MacToot blows on his bagpipes/While Elspeth and Angus watch those notes go floating across the waves/Ferocious Ness appears at once, and grabs a note or two for lunch/And the whole of the Family Ness is not too far behind/Sporty Ness leaps over him, turns upside down and dives back in/And the beautiful Lovely Ness shows she’s the kissing kind/Pirate Ness comes up for air, and taking notes without a care/He turns with a crash, and a bash and a smash/Of the Family Ness!”

and …“You can knock it, you can rock it, you can go to Timbuktu/But you’ll never find a Nessie in the zoo/You may see an anaconda, a giraffe or kangaroo/But you’ll never see a Nessie in the zoo.”

From the pen of Peter Maddocks (see Jimbo and the Jet Set, Penny Crayon) came a very daft idea with a very Scottish theme. One day, Elspeth and Angus, the children of Mr MacToot, came across a monster called Silly Ness, entangled in some kind of jape that backfired. As a reward for coming to his aid, and because they didn’t go straight to The Sun, they were introduced to the rest of Loch Ness’ monster population, and were given special Thistle Whistles, so they could summon the monsters whenever they needed them. They had got on in life perfectly well without the help of some plesiosaurs who stayed too long at the party, but of course, that would make very poor cartoon entertainment.

The Nessie family was immense, and each character had a less than subtle name: Ferocious Ness, Sporty Ness, Lovely Ness, Careful Ness, Mighty Ness and Heavy Ness (twins, I think), Eager Ness, Clever Ness, Baby Ness, Her Royal High Ness, Speedy Ness, Forgetful Ness and, just to throw you, Pirate Ness. There was also Sporran, Elspeth and Angus’s highly intelligent dog, the town mayor, the blustering and sceptical policeman and his snot-nosed son, and Mrs McToffee, who owned the local sweet shop. Together with men in kilts, silly tam-o’-shanters, broad Inverness accents, whisky, salmon and shortbread, The Family Ness was the perfect advertisement for the Scottish Tourist Board.

SQUARE EYES RATING: 5/10